You’re Fighting the Wrong War


Dear ridiculous Christians,

Wait. That probably sounded worse than I intended. To be clear, not all of you are ridiculous. Those of you who think Starbucks is waging some sort of war on your favorite holiday because they omitted the snow flakes from their disposable cups are the ones I can’t take seriously.

I’m not going to point out how a great deal of the symbolism and traditions we adhere to in celebration of this, the most wonderful time of the year, were actually usurped from pagan traditions. I think you already know about that. You’re smarter than a bag of rocks and you probably also know that Jesus likely wasn’t even born on December 25th. If you’re a devout Christian, you surely know that the bible doesn’t even mention the month of his birth. Don’t worry; I won’t try to school you on the stuff you, as good Christians, already know. I’m writing this for another reason entirely.

thanksgiving RIP

There is no war on Christmas. Starbucks doesn’t hate Christmas. If they did, they might consider not selling their annual Christmas blend coffee. There is no war on Christmas because it’s entirely too lucrative a holiday to let it die. You are right about one thing, though; there is a war. The war is on Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving has lost.

I went shopping Saturday (November 7th) and was bombarded with red, green and white the moment I walked into the unholiest of places: my local mall. As I perused, I overheard folks talking about how far they’d gotten on their Christmas shopping lists. I saw families waiting in line to get pictures with Santa (not Jesus). I wandered around for over an hour trying to find some sort of Thanksgiving decoration that I could use as a centerpiece this year and found nothing but Halloween decorations on clearance and Christmas ornaments.

Christmas is alive and well, but Thanksgiving is sitting on a back shelf somewhere out of sight, bleeding to death and no one gives a shit. We went from costume parties and candy to Christmas carols and gift-wrapping in the blink of an eye. If you don’t believe me, look up from your phone right now and tell me if you see turkeys and cornucopias everywhere or Santa Clauses and reindeer.

You nitwits are protesting the death of the wrong holiday and what’s more, you’re doing it idiotically.


A photo posted by Joshua Feuerstein (@joshuafeuerstein) on

If you want Starbucks or any other organization to feel the loss of your respect, try not handing them fistfuls of your money. You want to protest the lack of snowflakes on their paper cups? Don’t tell the barista your name is Merry Christmas; instead, try not walking into Starbucks in the first place. Get your coffee somewhere else. Your instagrams will not save you and they will not save Christmas because Christmas does not need saving and it certainly doesn’t need you.

Happy Thanksgiving,

PS – If anyone knows where I can get a Thanksgiving centerpiece, please advise. I looked all day Saturday and still came up empty-handed.