Dirty Truth

4

My God Meme

The other day, after a couple of hours of hyping myself up, I headed into the gym for a workout. Proud of the small victory that it was–getting my Mexican ass into my vehicle and over to the structure itself–I strutted into the joint like I had just kicked the door down, guns blazing. And then, as I awaited the green light from the fingerprint scan at check in…boom, denied.

It seemed I’d let my membership expire without properly renewing. I couldn’t recall getting an email notification indicating that it was time to renew and so I hadn’t. Maybe my renewal email got lost in cyberspace. I dunno, but I never got it and because of this, I had to go through a particularly cumbersome version of the membership renewal process; typical. I couldn’t use the gym until I’d completed the renewal and that wasn’t going to happen until a manager was freed up to help me. The odds were now stacked against me. “This is what I get for celebrating the small victories just moments ago in the parking lot,” I thought. “Goddammit.”

To my surprise, a manager became available rather quickly and I was soon off to the land of membership renewals. Over at the boss man’s desk, he was fumbling through screen after screen of requests for codes as the minutes ticked by. What code was he looking for? I have no idea, but he was hell bent on finding this mysterious code of wonders. Who was I to slow his roll, right? And so, I didn’t stop him. Instead, I let him fiddle around with his computer software endlessly.

Nail File CatImage Source: Giphy

At one point I thought he had everything under control. Excited, I was hanging on every click, ready to give him my financial information so as to avoid this time-consuming process in the future. After yet another eternal five minutes, he broke down and summoned a colleague for assistance. That’s when I lost hope and impatiently checked my watch.

After realizing that I’d already spent half an hour in the gym, without so much as a minute on a treadmill, I gave in, I stopped hovering. I let the guy do whatever it was he needed to do to set up my renewal whichever way he thought best. There was no use fighting it, we were not going to get through this process quickly. My Eye-of-the-Tiger buzz was fading fast and the boss man was killing it, one click at a time.

LeiaImage Source: Giphy

Motivation fading fast, I sat back and did what any other human being in my position would do—I reflex flinched in the general direction of my cell phone. “Excellent! Where did I leave that pesky little time-killer,” I thought, as I dug around in my gym bag for my phone. I’d been motivated up until this point, but if this guy took much longer, I was going to call it day. Yup, I’d just rationalized going home from the gym without working out. “Nothing good shall come of this,” I thought as I plucked my smartphone from the infinite obscurity that is my bag. In full view, I swiped to engage and with a flick of the wrist, there they were, the unmistakable orange and black colors of a website I’m sure you’re familiar with—pornhub. Yup, I’d forgotten to clear my browser history and I had just let technology bite me in the ass.

As a matter of fact, a flash of ass was all I needed to see for my ninja reflexes to kick in. Almost instantly, I moved my fingertips away from anything that might register a tap as a click. One false move and the soundtrack to my latest indulgence could very well boom from the palm of my hand. As a ninja, I could have none of that. In one swift motion, I loosened my grip on my phone and let it plunge delicately back into the infinite darkness of my gym bag. Luck was on my side.

“Success!” I thought-shouted, reacting only with a satisfied and calmed smile. It appeared that I had managed to slide my phone out of sight, just in time. The guy helping me hadn’t seen a thing, no one had. Just like that, I went from cursing this gym employee’s existence to thanking unknown forces for saving me from certain social mortification. No longer irked at the time suck, I relished my relief.

Victory. I had ninja-ed my way out of a mortifying Lucille-Ball moment of awkward physical comedy, pornographic images and unfortunate sounds. Things were finally starting to look up again. After an hour of membership renewal, and suddenly feeling oddly reinvigorated, I decided I would go through with my workout after all. It seemed all had not been lost.

As I stood up from my hour-long membership renewal, I thought to myself, “this is a prime example of why you should never volunteer your phone to look up anything. Had I pulled my phone out just now, amongst a group of friends or strangers, to look up the address for a restaurant or a phone number for a business, I would have accidentally pornofied everyone’s day. Close call. I should make a mental note of this for a Daily Truth post. I know I’m not the only motherfucker with random porn floating around on my phone.” And with that, I put a little pep in my step and strutted over to the elliptical machines ready to kick some ass.

Dirty Truth

Never volunteer your phone to look something up on the Internet when you’re with a group of people. It’s a lose-lose situation. If you don’t have anything questionable in your browser history, you’re a loser. Alternatively, if someone sees the last questionable video you looked up, now they know something about you that I bet you didn’t want to share. See? No winning, let someone else be the hero with the answers. Keep your phones on lock, y’all.

Share.

Comments

  1. I was confused by the hoovering, I thought you meant hovering, until Pornhub came up. (no pun)

    Not to be an asshole but, if you let your membership expire it’s pretty clear you hadn’t renewed it 😉 I’m just kidding, totally being an asshole lol

    Glad you didn’t faux pas and intrigued you’re looking at porn

    Sincerely,
    A fan