Beautiful Bastards


I was floating around on Facebook the other day when I remembered something my husband, *Cristoph had showed me while we were on our way home from a most excellent…

most excellent

…road trip this past weekend. He was flipping through his phone while we were grabbing a quick breakfast on our drive home from Nevada on Monday. At one point he paused, read something and laughed.  Cristoph then shook his head, looking vaguely defeated and handed me his cell.

I first read about this whole Miss Utah thing as I sipped my orange juice that morning. I’m not sure if my OJ was extra bitter that day, or if the bile had just risen up into my mouth, out of disgust.

Click the link below and you’ll see what I mean.

Miss Utah Botches Income Equality Question at Miss USA Pageant –

Pathetic right? I know, it’s pretty enraging actually.

Since I was already on FB, I decided to share Monday’s disgust with my digital friends. I posted a link to that Mashable story, along with a spelling-and-grammar-error-laced version of this status update on my timeline:

While I understand the concept of a beauty pageant, I don’t understand why we still have them. Also, if we must hold these national judgments of another’s physical appearance, why aren’t the men participating? You and I both know we’ve seen beautiful men and been like, “wow, I didn’t think that kind of beauty was physically possible, on a single human being.” If we still want to hold beauty contests, let all the humans participate so both genders can have videos on the internet, broadcasting how horribly unaware they are.


PS – I want to punch this woman. : (

-End Status Update-

Now, while I would hope to never devolve into fisticuffs in public and I do not encourage violence against anyone, let alone women; Miss Utah makes me want to smack a bitch. There’s just no other way to put it.


Anyway, this got me thinking about whom I would include in my very own physical appearance contest.  I figure if we’re going to judge a group of people solely on what they look like, why not make sure they’re really good looking–transcendently good looking.  My contestants would need to be creatures that exude different kinds of beauty. You know how some folks are beautiful regardless of gender? Yeah, those kinds of folks would be in my contest. Not necessarily androgynous, but definitely undeniably beautiful at least on the outside.

My top ten contestants would look something like this:


Ezra Miller because seriously…

beauty contestant 1

Cate Blanchett because looking at her is like looking at a dream.

beauty contest 7

Michael Fassbender because he’s stunning and those eyes rip right through my soul.


Charlize Theron because she is flawless.

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Penelope Cruz because her face is outstanding.

Penelope Cruz

Kate Winslet because she just gets more attractive as time passes.

beauty contest 6

Lenny Kravitz because again, adding years doesn’t distract or subtract, instead it intensifies.


Gael Garcia Bernal because his mouth begs to be touched.


Kerry Washington because she is regal in her good looks.

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Tilda Swinton because she’s just this beautiful entity that can be attractive as most anything.


Lastly, since all I’d be doing is judging on looks I would forgo the interviews. This is a “looks contest,” right? Might as well keep it real and simply ask them to stand, walk, pose and look pretty.  Who cares what they think, amirite?

After scrolling through those pictures one last time, I can say with 100% certainty that these beauty contests would be way better if you shook off the euphemisms, spit-shined the obvious and let the beautiful people fight to the death. I hope you’re taking notes, Trump.




*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those innocently associated with the author.