Hell Hath No Fury Like a Miserable Bitch



Miserable Bitches: most of us know one and if you don’t think you do, you might know an especially devious one, so beware.  I suppose a Miserable Bitch could be either a man or a woman, but I admit, I’ve only met the female variety.

I’m a survivor of sorts; I’ve met calamity time and again in the gaze of a miserable being.  Despite horrible odds, I came through these experiences having learned something new.  Since life is ultimately all about learning and growth, I’ll share with you one of my new life strategies:

If you see misery incarnate coming at you, run.

 Businessman running across street

Just run.

You might be asking yourself, “How am I supposed to run, if I’m not even sure what a miserable bitch looks like?”  Don’t worry; below, I have some simple guidelines that should aid you in identifying these saddest of souls.

Miserable Bitches tend to…

 Business Woman

  • be control freaks
  • be outspoken
  • declare that they detest drama
  • always find themselves ass-deep in drama
  • reiterate their distaste for “fake” people
  • strategically demonstrate their duplicity
  • play devil’s advocate as a party trick
  • go too far
  • sweat malice instead of perspiration

Being caught in the drama/life of a person that hates drama and hypocrites is like being tattooed on the tongue while someone spoons hot sauce onto your fresh wounds every ten minutes.  It’s that intense.  If you manage to piss off a miserable bitch, you’re in for a smorgasbord of hateful, bitter and vindictive shenanigans.  And, just to kick you in the teeth while you’re down, these hurtful shenanigans will likely be passed off as street justice with the purpose of making you look and feel bad, simultaneously.

Now, I’ll admit that I have a giant potty mouth and I might offend people now and then.  I also understand that such is life.  Because of the latter, I’ve pissed off more than a couple miserable people.  The fact that they’re usually control freaks explains a lot because if you’re raising your blood pressure, becoming enraged every time life doesn’t go your way, you’re bound to erode your sanity.

It may have started, as sadness; transformed into rage and mutated into misery, but crazy is what ultimately fuels a miserable bitch’s fire.  And lets face it; you don’t need any extra crazy in your life…


none of us do.

That coworker that’s always sourpussing their way around the office, your relative that cannot refrain from giving you back-handed compliments, the acquaintance that always tries to subtly make you feel like they’re better than you, they’re all bitches.  The ones that never let a ray of sunshine brighten their day, the ones that don’t know what it is to let something roll off their back because they’re having a good day; those bitches, are miserable and not to be trusted.

Nobody likes a buzzkill.

Furthermore, to the point of strategically avoiding miserable bitches instead of confronting them:

There is nothing you can say or do to convince them that they might be wrong.  There is no rationalizing with Crazy.


  • You can’t talk to Crazy; Crazy doesn’t speak your language.
  • You can’t reason with Crazy; Crazy thinks you’re a blithering idiot.
  • Crazy thinks your thoughts and actions constitute demonic malevolence.
  • Crazy is the meanest bitch you know and that makes you sad for them, but it don’t matter because Crazy has no mercy in this dojo.

best dojo

This might be one train wreck you want to see explode, but it is so easy to get burned in the process that it’s not worth watching to see a jerk get his/her comeuppance.  Keep your distance when in the presence of a miserable downer.  Misery, like anything else, is more powerful in quantity and it will attempt to consume you.  Remember that despite the shit, life is grand and you should live it.